Inner Pain

I am dying of unhappiness, sadness, weary of my life.

I have no one to blame but me, my own stupidity my uninformed decisions. When we are young we see with naiveté what we want to see, what should be, what we think it is. Sometimes someone to save us, love us and help us. We don’t see the truth.  Nor do we understand that this decision will only end in a form of misery.

How could I have been so stupid so blind?  What looked good what tempted me and drew me were all lies. Close family, loving relationships, lies, all lies.

Why the bloody hell did I work so hard to make it work, why was I so desperate?  Thirty plus years down the road and I can’t answer that question.

Now I am stuck, too old to change it and scared to do anything about it.  Tired of the put downs and the nasty comebacks and then I am the only one to apologize.   I am so tired of soothing other people’s feelings; they rarely take into consideration mine... Okay so I am mostly talking about one person, maybe two.

I think I feel a little better already, so of, maybe, oh fuck, screw it.

Now wouldn’t that be nice, a good hard fuck.

I could certainly enjoy that, might even help with the depression, I know it would make me feel better for a little while. Before I die.

Saroya