Saturday, June 1, 2013

Wine and Tears

May 28,2013

Wine and Tears  

I am 65 years old, I have resolved nothing nor can I fix anything. There is no one to talk to that I would trust to understand or to help me understand.

I still care even after 40 plus years but it seems he did not. He said horrible things to me, wished me dead, threaten to put a bomb in my mail box.  I may not have always said the right thing but I was never mean about him.
I still love him, now, today, yesterday; forever will he be a part of my soul. 

I made mistakes I know that, but I was so young and didn't really understand anything, let alone how to make a relationship work.
I am sorry I hurt him, I am so very sorry and he will never know that now.

Alcohol makes me melancholy. I wish I could fix the past, and by doing so make this a better time, with better decisions. But I can’t, not a damn thing I can do about anything now.  So I will just for this little time, wallow in grief and regret.  Love lost, love destroyed, love trampled on.

Feeling sorry for yourself is a waste of time, but then so is sleeping if you are really worried about the ticking clock.  But once in a while just take a little time to wallow, lie in the mud, get dirty and weepy. Get it out and over with. That is what I am doing.  Just bear with me, or get bare for me.

May 29, 2013

Today is the; woulda, shoulda, coulda, day. 

You know I should have kept working and not become a stay at home mom, wife…. I would have been better off financially, not rich just better than I am.  I could have let my hubby walk the first time he left instead of waiting for him to come back.

Then there is the “Might Haves.”

I might have been better off on my own; I might have found someone more compatible, I might have been happier, maybe, just maybe found someone who really wanted to be with me, love me, make love to me, and let me bite, scratch, be wild in the sack.

Maybe, just maybe… well that last bit is a definite possibility.

May 31, 2013

Ah the perils age, aside from the getting older shit. You knew that didn’t you? The Shit Happens is true because you certainly can’t stop the aging process, you can fix the outside if you have the bucks but you really can’t to shit about the inside not any part of it.

Okay that wasn't what today rant is was about, laughing, well!

June 1, 2013

I know that not everyone I know approved of my 9 month (1997) reunion, love, affair with Pat Vess, depending on who you talked to.
But ya know I have no regrets.  It didn't change anything but I have absolutely no regrets all.. I am glad I found him that we could rekindle for a short while the love we when we first met in 1963, that love that resulted in my first child at 16.

With Jerry Mescoe I will never have any kind of closure.  Maybe I never would have, but it was still possible so long as he was alive.
With Jerry's suicide all possibilities died too.

I am just talking to myself, just talking, thinking, writing and wishing.
With a lot of regret associated too.