I
am dying of unhappiness, sadness, weary of my life.
I
have no one to blame but me, my own stupidity my uninformed decisions. When we
are young we see with naiveté what we want to see, what should be, what we
think it is. Sometimes someone to save us, love us and help us. We don’t see
the truth. Nor do we understand that
this decision will only end in a form of misery.
How
could I have been so stupid so blind? What
looked good what tempted me and drew me were all lies. Close family, loving
relationships, lies, all lies.
Why
the bloody hell did I work so hard to make it work, why was I so desperate? Thirty plus years down the road and I can’t
answer that question.
Now
I am stuck, too old to change it and scared to do anything about it. Tired of the put downs and the nasty
comebacks and then I am the only one to apologize. I am so tired of soothing other people’s feelings;
they rarely take into consideration mine... Okay so I am mostly talking about
one person, maybe two.
I
think I feel a little better already, so of, maybe, oh fuck, screw it.
Now
wouldn’t that be nice, a good hard fuck.
I
could certainly enjoy that, might even help with the depression, I know it
would make me feel better for a little while. Before I die.
Saroya
